Since you just found out that you are going to a DC conference in place of your suddenly-ill colleague, here’s how you and your family can make the most of your two-day trip to our nation’s capital.

Things most people want to do in Washington DC but you can’t.

1. Visit the Library of Congress

Not going to happen. It’s not open during your two free hours on Monday, the one day held aside so that the great literary minds of our Legislature can read and reflect in peace and make law wisely. Librarians are sworn to keep you out and the shades drawn so no one can see that the place is as vacant as Marjorie Taylor-Greene’s brain.

2. Visit the Air and Space Museum

Nope. You were a tad too late to nab the six-remaining same-day, timed-tickets that went on sale at 8:30 am. But don’t feel bad, neither did the 55,937 others who were manically clicking the “preferred time” button like a lab-rat on Red Bull.

3. Visit the Science and Technology Museum

Yeah, right. It’s currently closed for renovation and expected to open “soon,” at least this is the message that has been posted on its website for the past two years.

4. Visit the White House

Sorry, you had to write your elected representative shortly after you were born to get on the visitors list. No matter that you are a disabled Vietnam Vet, voted for the president, and personally deflected a planet-killing asteroid. You should have wrangled an invite by mastered some performing art, winning an Oscar or a Grammy, or whatever the hell it is that they give out for podcasts. Better luck next time, assuming the US still has a president and not a king, who likely will live in a gold tower.

5. Visit the Washington Monument

Possible, if you have someone willing to wait in line for days, rain or shine, so you can peek inside the US’s largest phallus, not counting current presidential candidates. Be prepared to get the last and most inconvenient time-slot and then pay a peak-demand Uber to sprint to the airport for a mere $299. Also, discard all objectionable objects, such as nail clippers, mint-flavored chewing gum, or a copy of the Washington Post because they all, apparently, can bring down the government, which some still see as a bad thing.

Let’s cut to the chase. Almost anything interesting, uplifting, or fun isn’t going to happen, at least not for you. And certainly not here. But don’t despair. Presently, the GOP has in the works other, lesser-known but quite likely popular attractions. No doubt there will be no waiting and the road to them will be wide, easy and short. Here’s our list of coming attractions in an alternate-reality, lazy, DC day.


Dark-Side Things-To-Do in Washington – Places that will eagerly want your attention and fealty

1. “The Path Back to The Good-Old Dark Ages” exhibit – The Center for Creationism & Science Under God

2. “My Undeserved Privilege is at Risk and You Don’t Seem to Care” – performance – retro rock group in the lobby of The White-Nationalist’s Hotel

3. Climate-Deniers Bar & All-You-Can-Burn Grill – “It’s a Snowflake Hoax” – Southern-style bake-off competition & Demolition Derby – Sponsored by Big Oil

4. Center for Censorship, on Florida Ave – “Why Sedition Makes Sense” – agitprop apologia – produced by Faux News

5. And All Too Soon to Open – The Greatest Ever Museum of Mendacity: A no-escape-room – compulsory exhibit – Trump Presidential Library

These latter coming attractions will be GOP favs in emerging venues all around Washington and deeply embedded in the DC-Dark Side mind-set. You literally won’t be able to avoid them. They want your business and aim to please in the tradition of PT Barnum. So, step right up. It will only cost you your sanity, freedom, and a clean conscience. And who needs that truth-based trash?