News Flash: Mexico Makes Preemptive Strike on Mar-a-Lago (satire)
In a bold move that anticipated a Trump victory, Mexico fired their secret stash of Chinese “Carrier Killer” missiles at Mar-a-Largo.
Mexican Minister of the Defense, Luis Cresencio Sandoval, said the act was necessary because of continual threats posed by the former-and-future president.
“Trump has a wild hair up his ass,” Sandoval said. “I’m not surprised since his golden crotch-fuzz seems to stick anywhere except the top of his fat head. We had to do what we had to do, and we stand by our actions to protect our people and remain a good neighbor.”
The US Department of State downplayed the action, since none of the missiles struck their intended target, spokesman Ned Price said there was no reason for concern.
“It looks like their missiles all got tangled up in the latest Chinese balloon flying over Miami, and the fallout landed without incident. Also, we’re not sure that Florida is still a part of the United States, based on their recent laws and comments by Mr. DeSantis.”
Residents of Miami say that most of the wreckage fell onto their central public library, which was vacant because of a recent closure for carrying banned books.
Police Chief Manuel Morales said that he was pleased that the library’s closure had saved lives.
“We told people that these books were dangerous, and here’s the proof.”
When asked about the structural damage, he shrugged.
“What does it matter, really? I mean, who needs libraries anymore? The Gideon society will give you a free Bible, if you ask, or you can steal one from one of our many fine hotels. That should cover all your spiritual and literary needs for a lifetime.”
Mexico said it was not surprised that the missiles malfunctioned, and wouldn’t rule out other actions.
“Well, they were Chinese surplus, after all, and you never know when it comes to quality control. We may have to resort to using our own factories, which have been making Fords. If that happens, then Trump had better watch out, those workers know how to make things that kill people.”
The Trump camp was initially mum on the incident, which left Trump-worshippers in deep concern.
‘Our leader is never quiet about anything,” said Trumpster Eli Okun, “and we have to wonder if he’s hunkered down or hurt.” Reporters interviewing Okun pointed out that Trump was nowhere near Miami at the time. But Okun said that Trump’s schedule is now considered a state secret, and he could no longer confirm nor deny Trump’s location to the media or the District Attorney of Manhattan.
The silence was broken, due to increasing public pressure, when Trump’s secretary Betty Currie offered her personal assurances.
“Trump is fine but in seclusion planning his response.”
Answering questions about a rumored second attempt to harm the president by tainting is food, she demurred.
“Look, sure, he looks terrible, but then doesn’t he always? And his comments about Mexico may seem insane, but they are completely consistent with his rhetoric.”
Reporting from an undisclosed location for the The Dao Times, I’m Robb Lightfoot.